Better


    It’s been a rough couple of weeks.  Rudy had to take me to the ER four times I think, and I was admitted twice.  I simply could not stop vomiting.  The phenergan doesn’t seem to be working as well as it did.  In fact one doctor gave me a shot of Thorazine, that knocked me out for a good 6 hours.  As soon as I woke up though I was still  throwing up.

     I could go into ketoacidosis very easily, fortunately I never got to that point.  The gastroparesis has gotten really bad even though my glucose readings are good. 

     I had to have some minor surgery, I was discharged the same day and damned if I wasn’t back in the hospital the next day.  I have to follow up with a gastroenterologist. 

    What scared my husband is that I went over a week without eating anything.  Chicken water and jello doesn’t count.  He’s watching me lose more and more weight and it really does bother him.

     On the other hand I’m feeling much better now and I’m looking forward to spending time with him.

     I found out more things from my hospitalization in March when I was on the ventilator.  My nurse told me I was septic and the reason I was so combative was that I wasn’t breathing.  That’s not what was in my head though.  In my head I just wanted them to slow down and tell me what they were doing.  evidently there was no time for that.  I’m still having some anxiety over all that, but it is getting better.

     I’m looking forward to this week with my husband, thanks for listening.

Reflecting on this past Year.


     Christmas is right around the corner, followed by New Year’s.  It’s this time that I find myself reflecting on this year and thinking of what I want to change for the next one.  There have been so many changes this year, I’ve accomplished more than I thought I would and less than I planned.

     I made my annual pilgrimage to Texas to spend time with my adult children, my granddaughter only to discover that I had more family there than I knew.  I jumped out of an airplane with my daughter and tried sushi for the first time, as well as sake.  I like the sake more than the sushi and like the skydiving way more than the sushi.  I’m pretty sure that I shouldn’t have done both on the same day however.

     I found my worth and value as a human being in Texas.  Given that I seem to be a perpetual patient I didn’t think I had any anymore, but I found out otherwise.  I learned that I still have something of value to offer beyond being sick, and I also learned that how I feel about myself relates to how I’m doing physically.  For the first time while I was in Texas I didn’t have to go to the hospital.

     I also made another trip, this one to New York.  It was my second time there and I learned that I could still travel and have a good time with my family.  I also met Kelsey Grammar and Betty White, that was a hoot.  I also learned not to take my shoes off on the plane because there was no way I was going to get them back on.  I also learned that if I leave my left overs in the hotel room while walking Times Square with Sarah, my husband was going to eat it all, including my cheese cake.

     I don’t know how many times I was in ICU this year, I lost count.  It feels like it might be less than last year and I’m hoping more than next year.

     I lost my best friend this year and I miss her every day.  I also found closure in helping another friend, no daughter find closure in a horrific part of her life and now she is able to put it behind her and move forward.

     I’ve found some friends in the blogosphere and made old friends new again.  I’ve also gotten my sister and her crazy girlfriend out of my house, and if that was the only thing I accomplished, believe me it would be enough.

     What can I say about my husband?  We’ve been together 17 years now and it seems that our love just grows deeper.  He’s sweeter and kinder than ever and I love him.  As my caretaker he has more patience than I give him credit for.

What am I Worth


      Since I’ve come home from Texas I’ve tried to think about how I was going to write this post.  Every year I come home with lessons learned about myself. 

    As someone with multiple chronic illnesses, it can be tempting to succumb to the notion that you no longer have anything to offer to anyone anymore.  It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself, yet I’m constantly reminded there are so many worse off than I am, and ultimately how lucky I am.  

     My adult children in Texas have friends that have embraced me and welcomed me as part of their family and make me feel so loved.  One in particular lives with my son, another roommate, and her mother who is living with stage 4 colon cancer.  This is a women caring for her mother and doing it with grace and dignity beyond her 24 years, and her mother is a remarkable woman I’m lucky to have met.

     My oldest daughter in Texas calls me anytime she’s troubled and tells me that she always benefits from my experiences.  I’ve found my value and worth in helping and advising the many people in my life who call me mom.  There are far more than I’ve given birth to, but I consider my children none the less.  A single mother stressed to her breaking point, I was able to tell her that I’ve been there and I know how hard it is.

      There are days when I’ve felt that I’m just taking up space and not contributing as a human being to the greater good.  I’m at peace realizing that’s not the case.  It bears repeating, I still have value and worth, I can still love, and give love and make my little corner of the world a better place just by being here.