If it wasn’t for the note to my kids, it might have been titled “How My Sex Life has Changed Since Chronic Pain/Illness. Frankly I thought the warning to my kids was more important. As it is now any psychiatrist they … Continue reading
Well we did it. Three weeks ago we moved into our new house. I had forgotten how hard and just how stressful it is to move. Don’t worry, it’s all coming back to me now.
This place is gigantasaures! We have to practictly scream to hear each other from one end of the house to the other. I guess I wasn’t joking when I nicknamed it the “mansion.” This is the hardest I’ve worked in a long time and I only had to take three days off to visit what will no doubt be my new neighborhood hospital. Kidney infection strikes again.
I do love it here, I feel like this is my dream house. A hundred year old victorian with all original woodwork and leaded glass windows. Dark finished hardwood floors in the master, and a surprisingly open floor plan. Walk-in closets everywhere. The glass is so old it’s wavy, and I finally have a 2nd bathroom. I’m off to bed now, I am so sore and tired.
Hospital (Photo credit: José Goulão)
I know I know, it took me awhile to get around to my blog. Apologies to all my readers, life has been crazy.
I’ve always written that I want to be honest and true to myself in my writing, otherwise what’s the point? It really was a rough summer for me and a personal low. I think I already wrote about my new ulcer, if I haven’t just know that I have a new ulcer. I think it was July when I landed back in the hospital and my labs were really good so I thought I would be going home, I didn’t realize that right behind me my blood pressure decided to do something ridiculous like be 50/30, so once again I found myself in ICU.
I think I’ve always made it clear to everyone that I’m a chronic pain patient in pain management and on some pretty heavy pain medication, and when I can’t keep anything down that includes my pain medicine so by the time I get to the ER I’m in pretty rough shape from the pain. However I knew there wasn’t a lot they could do for me with my low bp, but by the next morning it was back to normal. The doctor came in to make rounds and I asked him to put me back on my oral pain meds or injections and imagine my surprise when he said no that every time I’m in the hospital I’m on morphine and I was a drug seeker. Really? I had my meds in my purse not 5 feet away from me. I explained that to him to no avail. I was so upset I left and I just managed to stay out of the hospital until last night. A couple of trips to the ER aside.
evidently, he was the only doctor on staff who felt that way, because every time I’ve been in the ER I’ve been given pain meds and no, I didn’t ask for them. I guess I’m now a little defensive about the whole damn subject.
Last week, my husband had to have arthroscopic surgery on his left knee and he’s been out of work for the better part of a month and I can’t remember a time when we’ve been this broke. Don’t get me wrong, we’re getting by day by day but wondering where the grocery money is going to come from is stressing us both out. Did I mention we’re supposed to move in about 11 days and I have no idea where the money to close is going to come from? I’m keeping the faith the Lord will provide.
Back in the hospital we’ll fill everyone in when I’m back to a full sized keyboard. thank you to everyone for all thr cards,letters, well wishers and prayers. They mean the world to me and my family
Christmas is right around the corner, followed by New Year’s. It’s this time that I find myself reflecting on this year and thinking of what I want to change for the next one. There have been so many changes this year, I’ve accomplished more than I thought I would and less than I planned.
I made my annual pilgrimage to Texas to spend time with my adult children, my granddaughter only to discover that I had more family there than I knew. I jumped out of an airplane with my daughter and tried sushi for the first time, as well as sake. I like the sake more than the sushi and like the skydiving way more than the sushi. I’m pretty sure that I shouldn’t have done both on the same day however.
I found my worth and value as a human being in Texas. Given that I seem to be a perpetual patient I didn’t think I had any anymore, but I found out otherwise. I learned that I still have something of value to offer beyond being sick, and I also learned that how I feel about myself relates to how I’m doing physically. For the first time while I was in Texas I didn’t have to go to the hospital.
I also made another trip, this one to New York. It was my second time there and I learned that I could still travel and have a good time with my family. I also met Kelsey Grammar and Betty White, that was a hoot. I also learned not to take my shoes off on the plane because there was no way I was going to get them back on. I also learned that if I leave my left overs in the hotel room while walking Times Square with Sarah, my husband was going to eat it all, including my cheese cake.
I don’t know how many times I was in ICU this year, I lost count. It feels like it might be less than last year and I’m hoping more than next year.
I lost my best friend this year and I miss her every day. I also found closure in helping another friend, no daughter find closure in a horrific part of her life and now she is able to put it behind her and move forward.
I’ve found some friends in the blogosphere and made old friends new again. I’ve also gotten my sister and her crazy girlfriend out of my house, and if that was the only thing I accomplished, believe me it would be enough.
What can I say about my husband? We’ve been together 17 years now and it seems that our love just grows deeper. He’s sweeter and kinder than ever and I love him. As my caretaker he has more patience than I give him credit for.
I think I’m getting my mojo back. I’m inspired to write more and more. Time does heal along with knowing that Michelle is in a better place. I do believe that.
My husband just brought me a cup of coffee. Rudy knows I usually write in the mornings after he leaves for work. I don’t know how he knew I was getting ready to write now. It’s something I usually do for him in the mornings to help him get up for work and now he’s brought me a cup of deliciousness that I didn’t even know I needed until it was in my hands. A small thing, I know but that’s what love is to me.
We’re going to have the next five days together, celebrating family and the gifts that God has given us and that’s no small thing. I’m feeling better this week than last and I don’t feel like a trip to the hospital is imminent, and that’s no small thing. My heart feels full of love and gratitude for the many gifts I’ve been given including the gift of more life to live and believe me, that’s no small thing either.
We’re living in uncertain times these days, isn’t there a quote that says “May you live in interesting times?” We certainly are and through it all I can’t help but feel we’re going to be ok come what may. Challenges ahead, for certain but I have faith in my Lord, and in my small corner of the world.
I’m seeing the surgeon on the 13th. This one scares me, but I’m praying for peace of mind, comfort, and the wisdom of the surgeon, that should cover me.
My daughter Heather is graduating from nursing college soon, with her second bachelors degree. I’m so proud of her. Tommy is back in college and working along with Joey. Sarah is also in college and working. Little Rudy is taking a tech class and working really hard to support his family. I don’t take credit for the success of our children instead I’m humbly grateful for it.
I really do have much to be thankful for. God has blessed me with an amazing family. Statistics show that more women with a chronic illness will be left by their partner than men will. Rudy tells me that the thought of leaving me never occurs to him. It is a rare thing these days to have a man of honor in one’s life and it’s not something that I take for granted. Between Rudy and I we have 5 children that never cease to amaze me, and watching them grow to see the young men and women they’ve become has truly been a privilege.
I also have a few very close friends that I can count on for anything, in fact in some weird way I could say I’m grateful for the chronic illnesses. My life has challenged me and forced me to step outside of my comfort zone. I’ve learned who my friends are and perhaps just as importantly who my family isn’t. More on that at another time. As much as I miss her, I’m so thankful for having Michelle in my life for the short time that I did. It’s all these threads that have woven themselves into the tapestry of my life.