Hope


     I feel better.  I’m getting up and dressed every day.  It might not be much, but it’s something.  I saw my doctor Friday and told him how going to Texas changed my whole outlook.  I’m not usually one to believe in a geographical cure for an emotional issue, but it did get me out of the rut I’ve been in.  I made a point of doing something everyday and I brought that home with me.  My whole outlook has changed for the better and everyone around me has noticed and commented on it.  I’m no longer dwelling on what I can’t do and being more appreciative of what I can do.  I’m counting my blessings again and feeling all the good in my life.  I hadn’t even realized how depressed I had become.  Depression just feeds on itself.  The more depressed you are the less you do and the less you do the more depressed you become.  I’ve brought some joy back to my husband’s life.  He told me how good it feels for him to come home from work to find me up, dressed and feeling like I’ve accomplished something.

     I saw my doctor on Friday.  I let him know that I’ve made the appointment for the GI doctor to get the ERCP test done, I’m seeing the ortho on Tues so I can get back into physical therapy and I have an appointment with a pain management specialist on Wednesday.  He was pleased with my initiative and was very happy to hear that I decided to go with pain management.  I’ve accepted that I’m probably going to be on the narcotics for the foreseeable future and I understand that they are just another tool in my arsenal that allows me to live my life and no longer be defined by my disabilities.  I don’t even feel bad about taking him up on his offer to get handicap plates for my car.  To look at me, you would never know that I’m disabled, and I’ve been fearful of people judging me for getting a “good” parking place.  I’m no longer concerned about what people who don’t even know me think of me.

     When I talked to some of my friends and neighbors several weeks ago about wanting to have a party for Sarah’s graduation, every one of them pitched in to help me.  They offered their time, yards, and most excellent cooking skills, their only reasons being to help me so I didn’t have to do it all.  Their love and concern for me and my family only reinforced how lucky I am to have such people in my life.  I’m truly humbled by all of it.  My love for them and my gratitude is consuming me.  I hope to someday pay it backwards and forward.  These are people I open my heart to and their friendship is so much a part of the rich tapestry in my life.

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